Saturday, June 4, 2011

Friendships or something Like that...

I remember being a little girl going from door to door in my neighborhood asking if there were any kids at home who would like to play with me. I carried a little address book with me just hoping that I would make a friend that day. Sadly, I made none. 


You see, I used to be a rough and tumble type of girl. I did the normal kid stuff like ride a bike, roller blade, climb trees, play baseball, etc... all these things I could enjoy with my sisters. But, there was a part of me that always just wanted to hit, bite, WRESTLE...I loved to play fight. However, growing up with no brothers and only sisters, play fighting wasn't always possible.


My younger sister would hang in there with me for awhile, but somehow she would always end up in tears and I would end up getting yelled at by my mother. BLah... One day, after being yelled at, I decided that was it for me. If I couldn't wrestle and play with my sister, then I would just have to find someone who would. That's when I went from door to door asking for a kid to play with. 


This is one of the first times in my life that I felt out of place and alone. 


Obviously, times were not always like that. During my teen years and early 20's, I had a great group of friends to hang out and share my life with. I thought of them and they thought of me. I included them and they included me. I shared hurts, joys and secrets with them, and they shared theirs with me. I was a part of something great. I had true friendships. Unfortunately, life is always changing and so does friendships. People move away, get married, or just stop communicating altogether. 


At this point in my life, I again find myself feeling out of place and alone. And as much as I hate being alone, I feel that is my only choice at this time. The funny thing is that I don't even feel bad about it. It just the fact of the matter.


Today, I look at my somewhat friendships and I have to ask myself, are we truly friends, or just something like that?


I have to admit that I have been disappointed to the point that I have pulled myself back. I guess I got tired of always being vulnerable only to be met with surface level talk. I sit back, I look around and realize I am not a part.


 As I examine these things, I have to honestly ask myself, "Brittany, are you being a true friend?" Maybe a true friend would not have pulled back and withdrawn no matter how excluded they felt. All relationships demand sacrifice for it to work. Maybe all that they gave me was all they were able to offer me. Maybe it's the way I am perceiving things. Who knows?


I find this fact interesting in a crappy way. All my closest and dearest friends that I have are the people that I wish I could see everyday, go out to eat with, go to a movie with, celebrate life with. These are the people that I love unconditionally. These are the people who do not live close to me at all. Wow! Life is unfair sometimes.


As I rediscover what life really is, I want to also redefine what true friendships look like and also redefine the kind of friend I would like to be.  


As I walk this journey alone I am hopeful of what the future will bring and the truth that I will discover about friendships.





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