Think Think Think

 I'm lying here in my bed after a long day. My room is quiet, still, and dimly lit by the light of a small lamp and the t.v. screen that is set on Netflix. 
I am accompanied by God and the many thoughts that are taking laps in my head. It is amazing to me at all the things that go through my head. Thinking about what I am thinking about...


I'm thinking about the shocking words from a loved one that hurt, and the words not spoken to me at all from a friend.
I'm thinking about how I was trying to keep a pleasant face and tone at work today while being highly annoyed from an argument the night before.
I'm thinking about a person who without fail makes me happy every time I get to see them. My heart secretly smiles when they speak and cries when they are not happy. And when it's time to say goodbye again, it wishes that it won't be too long until their face is seen and voice is heard again.
I'm thinking of my friend and brother who is amazing at what he does, and who I admire and look up to. 
I am thinking of a family who has accepted and loves me just the way I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly parts of me. I know I am loved by them.


I'm thinkin that I shouldn't have drank those 2 cokes today. I'm thinkin that I miss the people I used to work with. I'm thinkin about how I imagine myself hitting people with my car when they cut me off or when they yield at a sign that clearly says to KEEP MOVING. 
I'm thinking about the group of ladies that I have the privilege of getting to know better as we all seek to be closer to God. I'm thinking about how I need to be more patient and eat more vegetables. 
I'm thinking about finally meeting my husband one day and wondering if I will say, "where have you been my whole life or Oh My Gosh, it was you this whole time?!" I'm thinking about the day when I will finally be able to hold my first born and tell him or her that I have loved you my whole life.


I'm thinkin that with all this craziness in my head, I can't afford a day without my God next to me. So God, I thank you for being with me now, and for helping me to think about what I am thinking about. I give You this heap off my mind and I take on the mind of Christ and receive your peace.


Rediscovering my life is not the painful journey that it once was. It has become a day to day walk with my Father, who ever so gently continues to peel back layers until my true identity is revealed.

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I will not despise the hard times.
I will not run from my pain.

I will stare at you straight in the face.
I will embrace you both, I am not afraid.

I no longer fear you.
I will not break at your presence.

Because what I now know about you
is that you can't, you won't stay
you are just passing through.

I don't, I won't despise my tears,

They are my reminder, I am being healed.

I believe, I believe with all my heart
that my sun will shine again, she will shine all the brighter!

I believe, I believe with all my heart
that I will have a better tomorrow.

I believe, I believe with all my heart
that I have been made stronger, and my beauty is revived.

And I believe, I believe with all my heart
that My God, My closest friend has never left my side.

So do your worst!

I have swam through violent waves.
I have walked through ferocious fires.

I have made it through the burning desert,
I have climbed the steepest mountains.

I have lost those that I loved.
I have experienced a bleeding heart.

But, I am on my way to a better place
I am on my way to new pastures.

A life unheard of,
a joy unspeakable

So here I stand.

With sweat on my face,
blood on my brow.

Here I stand...

A bruised head
with cuts on my legs, scars on my arms.

Here I stand...

I sword in my hand
and Roar in my Voice.

I will not bend, I will not break!
The Greater One inside of me knows no other way!

Victory is His!
Therefore Victory is mine!

This Warrior is living again!

Further Up and Further In.
I am moving in one direction.

I Am Moving Forward!

"Rise and Rise Again..."

" Rise and Rise Again, until Lambs become Lions." 


Have you ever read something, or listened to a song, or heard the words of someone speaking that resonated life, power, a lush beauty, joy, and love. 
     I have had this happen plenty of times through out my life, and when I heard this quote for the first time it was almost as if that part of the script was written just for me.


Many of you may know that this quote is from the movie Robin Hood starring Russell Crowe. 
     "Rise and Rise Again, until Lambs become Lions." I will always carry these words with me.
On this journey of rediscovering who I am, of rediscovering life, I am finding myself in a place of the 'no more.'


No more lying on the ground! No more feeling sorry for myself! No more being angry! No more being tired! No more believing lies! No more being offended!  No more speaking deadly words! It's Time To Rise Again. 


I have made many mistakes, I have been hurt, and have hurt others. I have been broken, and I have cried many tears. I have had many sleepless nights. I have survived long dark days. This was my life. I had forgotten who I was. I lost my way. But all was not lost.
     Deep inside of me, pass all the disgust and pain that layered my heart, there it was. The still, small, yet mighty voice that said, "It is Time."


" This life isn't just about you. Don't think for one moment that what you do just effects you. Don't think that the life I gave you to live was just for you. Remember who you are! Rise Up Warrior and Take Your Stand! I am with you."


I was created with passion. I was created with love. I am from God. My Father is the King and I am His Princess. My very essence is beauty and strength. Warrior's blood flow through my veins. I am a life giver. I was made with wings, and I can fly on the wind and the sound of His voice. I have been given  a sword. A sword that abolishes lies, fear, and death, but brings love, life, and hope to the weak. This is my design, the blueprints of me. I am Finding myself and I am Rising once Again. 


The doubt may come, but I will not lose hope. Fear may show his face, but I will not go down without a fight. This person may hurt me and that person may abandon me. My world may totally be shaken, but I will I only gain strength from it, because someone Greater is on the inside of me and I am More than the destruction that will come my way.


I may fall a thousand times in several ways. But I will always Rise and Rise Again. 
     I will rise in beauty, I will rise in faith, I will rise in strength, I will rise in love. I Will Rise A LION!

Walking through my Pain, Swimming through my Tears

As I laid crying on my couch this evening, I began to speak to God.
     "God I can't sleep, I can't think clearly, I can't breathe, I can't see! I don't know where to go or what to do! Why is my life like this?!" (All the classic things we say angrily to God.)
     The ranting continued, " God, I'm mad at him, I'm mad her, I'm mad at them! God, I'm mad at You and I'm made at me! God, I'm mad at this and I'm mad at that!"

I then asked Him, "why must we feel pain? God, I understand that life will be hard sometimes, but do we have to feel the pain of it? Do we have to feel the anger, the disappointment, the heartache? People would get through hard times a lot easier and happier if we just didn't have to feel the pain! WE DON'T LIKE PAIN GOD! Don't You know this? We would rather be numb than feel pain. So why? Why must we feel the pain?"

 All of a sudden, everything stopped when I heard His reply. " In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world." In an instant, my tears ceased, and my racing mind stopped. I could breathe again. All that was left was the calm. The best thing and only thing I wanted to do at that moment was to lie in the sound of my Father's voice. And that's what I did.

(In case you are wondering, Only God can bring instant and true peace like that.)

Something that I have recently come to realize is that life keeps on moving when times of hardship and pain come on the scene. And if life keeps moving on, then so can I. Looking back on my life, I can see myself being such a victim when it came to hardships. I would just stop moving, believing, and living. I would retreat within myself. I wouldn't trust anyone and I wouldn't trust God. I would lie in my pain and drown in my tears of self pity. It would take me months to get back on my feet and to start moving again. I did not know and certainly did not believe that I could actually function through the storms of life.

As I find myself on this crazy path called life, I am accepting more and more that it won't always be smooth. There won't always be a beautiful sunrise to watch, or a peaceful lake to sit by. There won't always be a glorious mountain to amaze me, or a magnificent waterfall that will take my breath away.
     Rough terrain, thorn thickets, starless nights and hot deserts will be all that I will see sometimes. But wether I find myself watching a beautiful sunrise or feeling lost in a desert, this truth now beats in my heart. I can always keep on moving. I can keep living. I don't have to lie down or drown.

It's hard to tell if pain is a friend or foe. It can make you suffer, hurt others, hurt yourself, or give up. But on the other hand, pain can make you stronger, wiser, and produce longevity. I guess the pain that comes to us all will be whatever we allow it to be. Friend or Foe. Hmmmm, wait a minute! God just brought to light what a friend has already told me in his own way. How I love revelation.

Hi, my name is Brittany, and I am learning to walk through my pain and swim through my tears.

Friendships or something Like that...

I remember being a little girl going from door to door in my neighborhood asking if there were any kids at home who would like to play with me. I carried a little address book with me just hoping that I would make a friend that day. Sadly, I made none. 


You see, I used to be a rough and tumble type of girl. I did the normal kid stuff like ride a bike, roller blade, climb trees, play baseball, etc... all these things I could enjoy with my sisters. But, there was a part of me that always just wanted to hit, bite, WRESTLE...I loved to play fight. However, growing up with no brothers and only sisters, play fighting wasn't always possible.


My younger sister would hang in there with me for awhile, but somehow she would always end up in tears and I would end up getting yelled at by my mother. BLah... One day, after being yelled at, I decided that was it for me. If I couldn't wrestle and play with my sister, then I would just have to find someone who would. That's when I went from door to door asking for a kid to play with. 


This is one of the first times in my life that I felt out of place and alone. 


Obviously, times were not always like that. During my teen years and early 20's, I had a great group of friends to hang out and share my life with. I thought of them and they thought of me. I included them and they included me. I shared hurts, joys and secrets with them, and they shared theirs with me. I was a part of something great. I had true friendships. Unfortunately, life is always changing and so does friendships. People move away, get married, or just stop communicating altogether. 


At this point in my life, I again find myself feeling out of place and alone. And as much as I hate being alone, I feel that is my only choice at this time. The funny thing is that I don't even feel bad about it. It just the fact of the matter.


Today, I look at my somewhat friendships and I have to ask myself, are we truly friends, or just something like that?


I have to admit that I have been disappointed to the point that I have pulled myself back. I guess I got tired of always being vulnerable only to be met with surface level talk. I sit back, I look around and realize I am not a part.


 As I examine these things, I have to honestly ask myself, "Brittany, are you being a true friend?" Maybe a true friend would not have pulled back and withdrawn no matter how excluded they felt. All relationships demand sacrifice for it to work. Maybe all that they gave me was all they were able to offer me. Maybe it's the way I am perceiving things. Who knows?


I find this fact interesting in a crappy way. All my closest and dearest friends that I have are the people that I wish I could see everyday, go out to eat with, go to a movie with, celebrate life with. These are the people that I love unconditionally. These are the people who do not live close to me at all. Wow! Life is unfair sometimes.


As I rediscover what life really is, I want to also redefine what true friendships look like and also redefine the kind of friend I would like to be.  


As I walk this journey alone I am hopeful of what the future will bring and the truth that I will discover about friendships.

Hello Anger...

Hello Anger! Here you are again...

You are a faithful visitor and I can always expect to see you often. We have a past together, and obviously we have a present because here you are. I think it's safe to say that I will be seeing you in my future as well. 

As long as your around we might as well have a chat. Come and sit with me and lets discuss our relationship. There are some things that I want you to know.

I accept you as a part of life. I will see your face often. I will feel your breath on my neck and your grip on my throat. You are inevitable. You hover, You whisper, You chase, and You creep.

You show up in the time of my pain. You were there when I my love was rejected. You were around every time I failed. You show up at my job, and when I'm driving. You interrupt my conversations, you are in my tears, my words, and keep me awake at night.

I have slept with You. I have kissed You. I have embraced You. I have danced with You. I have allowed You to rest Your head on my chest.

Does all this sound familiar to You? Yes, I thought it would, and I know why You are here now. The thing is Anger, now, I must "redefine the nature of our association."

No, I am not saying that we will never see each other again. Like I told you before, you are inevitable. However, I cannot allow you to have a place in my heart this time around. 

You will come and you will go quickly, because my life is no longer an extended stay for you.

In the past I thought I needed you to get through my pain, disappointments and heartaches. But now I see there is a different way. Anger, you are so demanding of my attention that I never saw who else comes around in the midst of life's weariness.

Anger, meet the triplets... wisdom, opportunity, and new beginning. I never realized that these ladies came around with you in my time of pain, disappointment, and heartaches. In fact, they are always around. We've been talking , and I realize that they have a lot of life fulfilling things to offer, so I will be chillin' with them for awhile. I have a feeling they can take me places I have never been before, and show me things that I have never seen.

 Don't be sad. We will be seeing each other, but when you come around don't bring your toothbrush, extra clothes, or your pillow because you won't be staying long.

So, thanks for listening Anger. You were always good at that.

My Reality

Life is made up of disappointments, love, faith, failures, successes, friendships, loss, heartbreak, loneliness, laughter, and tears. Life is risk.

I have recently found myself in a place of rediscovering how life really flows. This is not a comfortable place to be at the age of 27. I feel like what I am now trying to get a grasp on, I should have understood in my early 20’s. Unfortunately, this did not happen. When I think back on the environment that I grew up in, I wonder if it had more of a negative effect on my life than a positive one. Has all the rules and regulations that were set in place to protect me actually handicapped me in some way? I feel that the life I have lived thus far has been to all the do’s and don’ts and processes others have set before me. I now have the opportunity to rediscover life; to rediscover the do’s and don’ts and processes for me as an individual, as Brittany.

I guess you can say that the environment that I grew up in was strict and Christian. We had a lot of rules and regulations to live by, but as a child it wasn’t a big deal. It was either do what mommy and daddy says, or get a butt whippin! As I look back on my child hood I can honestly say that me and my sisters had it pretty good. I mean, my family was not perfect at all, but things were good overall.  As I entered into my teen years and became highly involved in the church youth group, my youth pastors became my heroes. Home life was thick and tense at this point, and so my youth pastors were like a second set of parents to me. I am grateful for them because I really needed them at that time in my life.

If you attended a youth group like I did, you were probably presented with a lot of challenges to always do what it takes to be more like Jesus. Share the good news with your friends, read your bible and pray every day, go on missions trips, come to church every time there is a service, put your passion on display, jump higher, shout louder, don’t watch rated R movies, don’t listen to secular music, don’t go to parties, go to prom at your own risk, and DON’T YOU DARE THINK ABOUT DATING ANYONE!!! Now, I wouldn’t label these things as bad advice, but where my problem is that they were presented in such a way that made me think that if I did all that was asked of me then life would just work. Life would just flow. I have to honestly ask myself if that’s how it was actually presented or was it just how I received it? Or was a little bit of both?

Fast forward a few years to my time The Master’s Commission. This a 9 month ministry training program that one can attend for 3 years as a student and receive hands on ministry training. Much like my youth group, I had to follow a lot of rules and regulations, do’s and don’ts. However, by this time I was an expert at following the rules. Of course, that’s not to say that I didn’t mess up and get in trouble from time to time. My life in Master’s Commission was hard and fun. I have a lot of good memories and made lifelong friends that I love dearly. However, looking back on my time there I realize I had the same problem as I did from when I was a teen in my youth group. This time however, it wasn’t only people telling what to  do and what not to do. It was also the life that was lived in front of me. It looked a little something like this.

    You’re a first year student and you get crapped on just because you are a first year student. You work long hours, eat unhealthy, travel a lot, and don’t get enough sleep. Apparently through all this God was suppose to be teaching you something. Now you’re a second year student. YAY! You survived your first year. You didn’t get kicked out the program and you paid all of your tuition. Your one of the good ones! This is the year that you are a leader and have more responsibility. This is also the year that you can date… oops, I mean court someone (as a Christian you are not allowed to date or say the word date…just court) . So you meet that special someone and get everyone’s approval before you actually start courting. By the time you are a third year, you are set in your place and ready to be a full time minister. Sometime in the middle of that year you will get engaged and get married that summer. Now, because you have had 3 yrs of intense ministry training, you can either be accepted to be on the Master’s Commission staff, or be a part of a different ministry somewhere else. Either way you are blessed and set for your life as minister or church worker.

This was how life was supposed to flow! This was the reality that I expected for my life!! I had it all planned out. First, start Master’s Commission, secondly, court and be engaged by 22, thirdly, get married, fourth, finish Master’s and start full time ministry with my husband. Fifth, have my first child by 26. This  was not the reality that I experienced!! From the rules and regulations, do’s and don’ts, and how to properly court someone, this did not happen for me. I left Master’s Commission disappointed, confused, heartbroken and depressed. I watched other people live my “reality.” I felt cheated and less than.

From birth to 18 years old, I did what my parents and youth pastors told me to do. Life was suppose to work…

From 18 to 23 years old, I lived the life of a Master’s Commission student, I did what was expected of me. Life was suppose to work…

From 23 to 27 years old, the majority of my time was spent trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong that my life has come to this. I big pile of confusion, disappointment and anger. After some time, I finally got an answer from God. His answer was so clear and so sure. He said, “ you didn’t do anything”  Whaaattttt????!!!! 

Now, I am not at all saying that I have lived a perfect, sinless life. NOOOO! I think God was just letting me know that my life isn’t as screwed up as I thought it was, and what I honestly thought was reality isn’t my reality. It was just someone else’s. That’s it and that’s all.

Me writing this was not to offend anyone of any church or Master’s Commission program, and it wasn’t to speak badly of them either. This blog, is simply about me rediscovering what life is and how it works?

So now, here I am. What is my reality? How is life supposed to work really? Where do I go from here?

Here my journey begins again… or maybe it’s just continuing, and this time around I am a little wiser, I am little stronger, when I fall down I will get up a little faster, and when I hurt I will heal a little quicker.

Here I go….