For My Family

This is for my family...my loves...for those who have not let go of me.

My family, you have to know that I think of you daily. And when I do, my heart smiles, and sometimes I even cry a little from the joy that I feel of knowing you all.

This is for the people that I have been blessed to walk out this life with. This is for the people that I carry in my heart.

This is for Ester..my mom. She doesn't know how to quit. She is the picture of strength. Her prayers has covered me and my sisters our whole lives, and I am sure that they will continue to cover us. She is unwavering and steadfast, and we each have a piece of her beauty that was given us and that we will pass along to our children.

This is for Darryl...my father. As a child, I knew that I was always safe with him around. He is ever giving and ever believing in me. His support has been a blessing. He has been a shoulder to cry on, a hug needed after a long week, a listening ear, and the best person just to chill and watch TV with. I know that his heart is with me and his prayers protect me.

This is for Brandi...my big sister. She doesn't survive, She lives! She has experienced catastrophic loss last year, yet she still believes. She is still standing. She has a faith that I hope to obtain one day. She encounters hard times like everyone else, but I never worry about her. I know nothing can stop her or hold her back. She understands who lives inside of her. Oh, to believe like she does one day. She is truly a steel magnolia.

This is for Brighton...my little sister. My life long best friend. No one knows me like her. No one picks up on my facials and what they mean better than Bright. No one understands the tone of my voice and what I am really saying like she does. She is my little sister, and I have no problem saying that I look up to her. Time with her is cherished. Years have gone by that I have prayed and cried to God for a best friend, and at last I finally can hear him say to me that I gave you a best friend when you were just 2 yrs old. She has been with you ever since. I love you Brighton. My best friend.

This is for JONAS! My big brother...He is a freakin' hero! I watch as he loves and takes care of his family. He is loyal and trustworthy. He is a servant and a prince. He is the best big brother a girl could have. He is protective, annoying, fun to be with, and supportive. He has helped me through some pretty hard times, and has welcomed me into his home and allowed me to be a part of his family. I only say this about a few people, and I will say this of him. Everybody needs a Jonas in their life. I hope to be some body's Jonas one day.

This is for Cyndi...my beautiful friend. I wonder if she knows that beauty is her very essence. She radiates the room with it. People are drawn to her because of her accepting and loving spirit. No one is alone with her around, no one is left out. She is a mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter, assistant, and hostess. She does it all like a freakin champ! Cyndi, you can do anything you want to. Thank you for being a gracious friend to me. Much love to you.

This is for Anthony and Gabriel. (Big Gabe...lol!)...my younger brothers... I smile just thinking about you both. You bring me so much joy and laughter. You guys are changing the world and will continue to change it. I believe in you and your music. Anthony is graduating in a few months, and I do get a little emotional about that. I am so proud of him. I love the random conversations that we have. Although I am not sure if he is really listening when I am talking to him, and...well, I guess I don't really mind if he is or not. I just enjoy the time with him. Gabe! I have known Gabe for a short time, but he became a good friend and brother fast. That's because he a true blue, the real thing. His passion for God is challenging and contagious. If you are friends with Gabe, then you are blessed by God.

This if for all the kids in my life...Kyle, Kortni, Sydney, Joshua, and Gabriel (little Gabe)... I have the privilege of meeting and getting to know you all at an early age. I hope that I will be a good example, friend, and sister to you all. I promise that I will try to make every birthday party, every school play, Christmas play, graduation, etc... You all are life givers, and you truly do bring a smile to my face. I am so happy that I get to watch all of you grow up into men and women of God. You have a  part to play in this world, and I will be there to help watch your backs.

This is for my family. I carry you all in my heart. I know that whenever I start to feel lonely or depressed, or just start feeling sorry for myself, all I have to do is take a look around me. I will see that my life is rich and that I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed. Love is all around me. I hope that this blog will uplift you now and in the future. I am your friend, sister, daughter, and I will be there for you all as much as I can.

I don't know why God has blessed me so richly by putting you all in my life, but I am oh so grateful that He did.

Blessings to you all! I LOVE YOU!

...and then I realized that I hadn't lost it...

For the longest time I thought that I had lost my fight. Then I began to realize that I hadn't lost it, I just stopped fighting. I felt as though I was a wounded warrior who had forgotten why I was even created. But even a wounded warrior has a choice to fight through their pain, and will most likely come out all the stronger.


Just yesterday, God reminded me that all the years that I had believed that I lost my strength, that it has been apart of me the whole time. I just wasn't using it. 


I'm seeing again. I'm believing again. I'm breathing again. I actually felt happy today! 


I am thankful to have God working things for my good all around me, even when I didn't notice and was ungrateful, and selfish. He NEVER stopped believing in me. He always saw my beauty in the midst of my darkness. 


There is an excitement in my heart for  the things to come. I can't say that I know for sure what they all are, but I know they are coming. I am hopeful. 


This warrior is no longer wounded. This warrior is healed and alive! I fight now because I know that I can't lose! God is forever with me and forever sees me. 


I welcome 2012 with a war cry of JOY!!

Think Think Think

 I'm lying here in my bed after a long day. My room is quiet, still, and dimly lit by the light of a small lamp and the t.v. screen that is set on Netflix. 
I am accompanied by God and the many thoughts that are taking laps in my head. It is amazing to me at all the things that go through my head. Thinking about what I am thinking about...


I'm thinking about the shocking words from a loved one that hurt, and the words not spoken to me at all from a friend.
I'm thinking about how I was trying to keep a pleasant face and tone at work today while being highly annoyed from an argument the night before.
I'm thinking about a person who without fail makes me happy every time I get to see them. My heart secretly smiles when they speak and cries when they are not happy. And when it's time to say goodbye again, it wishes that it won't be too long until their face is seen and voice is heard again.
I'm thinking of my friend and brother who is amazing at what he does, and who I admire and look up to. 
I am thinking of a family who has accepted and loves me just the way I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly parts of me. I know I am loved by them.


I'm thinkin that I shouldn't have drank those 2 cokes today. I'm thinkin that I miss the people I used to work with. I'm thinkin about how I imagine myself hitting people with my car when they cut me off or when they yield at a sign that clearly says to KEEP MOVING. 
I'm thinking about the group of ladies that I have the privilege of getting to know better as we all seek to be closer to God. I'm thinking about how I need to be more patient and eat more vegetables. 
I'm thinking about finally meeting my husband one day and wondering if I will say, "where have you been my whole life or Oh My Gosh, it was you this whole time?!" I'm thinking about the day when I will finally be able to hold my first born and tell him or her that I have loved you my whole life.


I'm thinkin that with all this craziness in my head, I can't afford a day without my God next to me. So God, I thank you for being with me now, and for helping me to think about what I am thinking about. I give You this heap off my mind and I take on the mind of Christ and receive your peace.


Rediscovering my life is not the painful journey that it once was. It has become a day to day walk with my Father, who ever so gently continues to peel back layers until my true identity is revealed.

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I will not despise the hard times.
I will not run from my pain.

I will stare at you straight in the face.
I will embrace you both, I am not afraid.

I no longer fear you.
I will not break at your presence.

Because what I now know about you
is that you can't, you won't stay
you are just passing through.

I don't, I won't despise my tears,

They are my reminder, I am being healed.

I believe, I believe with all my heart
that my sun will shine again, she will shine all the brighter!

I believe, I believe with all my heart
that I will have a better tomorrow.

I believe, I believe with all my heart
that I have been made stronger, and my beauty is revived.

And I believe, I believe with all my heart
that My God, My closest friend has never left my side.

So do your worst!

I have swam through violent waves.
I have walked through ferocious fires.

I have made it through the burning desert,
I have climbed the steepest mountains.

I have lost those that I loved.
I have experienced a bleeding heart.

But, I am on my way to a better place
I am on my way to new pastures.

A life unheard of,
a joy unspeakable

So here I stand.

With sweat on my face,
blood on my brow.

Here I stand...

A bruised head
with cuts on my legs, scars on my arms.

Here I stand...

I sword in my hand
and Roar in my Voice.

I will not bend, I will not break!
The Greater One inside of me knows no other way!

Victory is His!
Therefore Victory is mine!

This Warrior is living again!

Further Up and Further In.
I am moving in one direction.

I Am Moving Forward!

"Rise and Rise Again..."

" Rise and Rise Again, until Lambs become Lions." 


Have you ever read something, or listened to a song, or heard the words of someone speaking that resonated life, power, a lush beauty, joy, and love. 
     I have had this happen plenty of times through out my life, and when I heard this quote for the first time it was almost as if that part of the script was written just for me.


Many of you may know that this quote is from the movie Robin Hood starring Russell Crowe. 
     "Rise and Rise Again, until Lambs become Lions." I will always carry these words with me.
On this journey of rediscovering who I am, of rediscovering life, I am finding myself in a place of the 'no more.'


No more lying on the ground! No more feeling sorry for myself! No more being angry! No more being tired! No more believing lies! No more being offended!  No more speaking deadly words! It's Time To Rise Again. 


I have made many mistakes, I have been hurt, and have hurt others. I have been broken, and I have cried many tears. I have had many sleepless nights. I have survived long dark days. This was my life. I had forgotten who I was. I lost my way. But all was not lost.
     Deep inside of me, pass all the disgust and pain that layered my heart, there it was. The still, small, yet mighty voice that said, "It is Time."


" This life isn't just about you. Don't think for one moment that what you do just effects you. Don't think that the life I gave you to live was just for you. Remember who you are! Rise Up Warrior and Take Your Stand! I am with you."


I was created with passion. I was created with love. I am from God. My Father is the King and I am His Princess. My very essence is beauty and strength. Warrior's blood flow through my veins. I am a life giver. I was made with wings, and I can fly on the wind and the sound of His voice. I have been given  a sword. A sword that abolishes lies, fear, and death, but brings love, life, and hope to the weak. This is my design, the blueprints of me. I am Finding myself and I am Rising once Again. 


The doubt may come, but I will not lose hope. Fear may show his face, but I will not go down without a fight. This person may hurt me and that person may abandon me. My world may totally be shaken, but I will I only gain strength from it, because someone Greater is on the inside of me and I am More than the destruction that will come my way.


I may fall a thousand times in several ways. But I will always Rise and Rise Again. 
     I will rise in beauty, I will rise in faith, I will rise in strength, I will rise in love. I Will Rise A LION!

Walking through my Pain, Swimming through my Tears

As I laid crying on my couch this evening, I began to speak to God.
     "God I can't sleep, I can't think clearly, I can't breathe, I can't see! I don't know where to go or what to do! Why is my life like this?!" (All the classic things we say angrily to God.)
     The ranting continued, " God, I'm mad at him, I'm mad her, I'm mad at them! God, I'm mad at You and I'm made at me! God, I'm mad at this and I'm mad at that!"

I then asked Him, "why must we feel pain? God, I understand that life will be hard sometimes, but do we have to feel the pain of it? Do we have to feel the anger, the disappointment, the heartache? People would get through hard times a lot easier and happier if we just didn't have to feel the pain! WE DON'T LIKE PAIN GOD! Don't You know this? We would rather be numb than feel pain. So why? Why must we feel the pain?"

 All of a sudden, everything stopped when I heard His reply. " In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world." In an instant, my tears ceased, and my racing mind stopped. I could breathe again. All that was left was the calm. The best thing and only thing I wanted to do at that moment was to lie in the sound of my Father's voice. And that's what I did.

(In case you are wondering, Only God can bring instant and true peace like that.)

Something that I have recently come to realize is that life keeps on moving when times of hardship and pain come on the scene. And if life keeps moving on, then so can I. Looking back on my life, I can see myself being such a victim when it came to hardships. I would just stop moving, believing, and living. I would retreat within myself. I wouldn't trust anyone and I wouldn't trust God. I would lie in my pain and drown in my tears of self pity. It would take me months to get back on my feet and to start moving again. I did not know and certainly did not believe that I could actually function through the storms of life.

As I find myself on this crazy path called life, I am accepting more and more that it won't always be smooth. There won't always be a beautiful sunrise to watch, or a peaceful lake to sit by. There won't always be a glorious mountain to amaze me, or a magnificent waterfall that will take my breath away.
     Rough terrain, thorn thickets, starless nights and hot deserts will be all that I will see sometimes. But wether I find myself watching a beautiful sunrise or feeling lost in a desert, this truth now beats in my heart. I can always keep on moving. I can keep living. I don't have to lie down or drown.

It's hard to tell if pain is a friend or foe. It can make you suffer, hurt others, hurt yourself, or give up. But on the other hand, pain can make you stronger, wiser, and produce longevity. I guess the pain that comes to us all will be whatever we allow it to be. Friend or Foe. Hmmmm, wait a minute! God just brought to light what a friend has already told me in his own way. How I love revelation.

Hi, my name is Brittany, and I am learning to walk through my pain and swim through my tears.

Friendships or something Like that...

I remember being a little girl going from door to door in my neighborhood asking if there were any kids at home who would like to play with me. I carried a little address book with me just hoping that I would make a friend that day. Sadly, I made none. 


You see, I used to be a rough and tumble type of girl. I did the normal kid stuff like ride a bike, roller blade, climb trees, play baseball, etc... all these things I could enjoy with my sisters. But, there was a part of me that always just wanted to hit, bite, WRESTLE...I loved to play fight. However, growing up with no brothers and only sisters, play fighting wasn't always possible.


My younger sister would hang in there with me for awhile, but somehow she would always end up in tears and I would end up getting yelled at by my mother. BLah... One day, after being yelled at, I decided that was it for me. If I couldn't wrestle and play with my sister, then I would just have to find someone who would. That's when I went from door to door asking for a kid to play with. 


This is one of the first times in my life that I felt out of place and alone. 


Obviously, times were not always like that. During my teen years and early 20's, I had a great group of friends to hang out and share my life with. I thought of them and they thought of me. I included them and they included me. I shared hurts, joys and secrets with them, and they shared theirs with me. I was a part of something great. I had true friendships. Unfortunately, life is always changing and so does friendships. People move away, get married, or just stop communicating altogether. 


At this point in my life, I again find myself feeling out of place and alone. And as much as I hate being alone, I feel that is my only choice at this time. The funny thing is that I don't even feel bad about it. It just the fact of the matter.


Today, I look at my somewhat friendships and I have to ask myself, are we truly friends, or just something like that?


I have to admit that I have been disappointed to the point that I have pulled myself back. I guess I got tired of always being vulnerable only to be met with surface level talk. I sit back, I look around and realize I am not a part.


 As I examine these things, I have to honestly ask myself, "Brittany, are you being a true friend?" Maybe a true friend would not have pulled back and withdrawn no matter how excluded they felt. All relationships demand sacrifice for it to work. Maybe all that they gave me was all they were able to offer me. Maybe it's the way I am perceiving things. Who knows?


I find this fact interesting in a crappy way. All my closest and dearest friends that I have are the people that I wish I could see everyday, go out to eat with, go to a movie with, celebrate life with. These are the people that I love unconditionally. These are the people who do not live close to me at all. Wow! Life is unfair sometimes.


As I rediscover what life really is, I want to also redefine what true friendships look like and also redefine the kind of friend I would like to be.  


As I walk this journey alone I am hopeful of what the future will bring and the truth that I will discover about friendships.