Walking through my Pain, Swimming through my Tears

As I laid crying on my couch this evening, I began to speak to God.
     "God I can't sleep, I can't think clearly, I can't breathe, I can't see! I don't know where to go or what to do! Why is my life like this?!" (All the classic things we say angrily to God.)
     The ranting continued, " God, I'm mad at him, I'm mad her, I'm mad at them! God, I'm mad at You and I'm made at me! God, I'm mad at this and I'm mad at that!"

I then asked Him, "why must we feel pain? God, I understand that life will be hard sometimes, but do we have to feel the pain of it? Do we have to feel the anger, the disappointment, the heartache? People would get through hard times a lot easier and happier if we just didn't have to feel the pain! WE DON'T LIKE PAIN GOD! Don't You know this? We would rather be numb than feel pain. So why? Why must we feel the pain?"

 All of a sudden, everything stopped when I heard His reply. " In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world." In an instant, my tears ceased, and my racing mind stopped. I could breathe again. All that was left was the calm. The best thing and only thing I wanted to do at that moment was to lie in the sound of my Father's voice. And that's what I did.

(In case you are wondering, Only God can bring instant and true peace like that.)

Something that I have recently come to realize is that life keeps on moving when times of hardship and pain come on the scene. And if life keeps moving on, then so can I. Looking back on my life, I can see myself being such a victim when it came to hardships. I would just stop moving, believing, and living. I would retreat within myself. I wouldn't trust anyone and I wouldn't trust God. I would lie in my pain and drown in my tears of self pity. It would take me months to get back on my feet and to start moving again. I did not know and certainly did not believe that I could actually function through the storms of life.

As I find myself on this crazy path called life, I am accepting more and more that it won't always be smooth. There won't always be a beautiful sunrise to watch, or a peaceful lake to sit by. There won't always be a glorious mountain to amaze me, or a magnificent waterfall that will take my breath away.
     Rough terrain, thorn thickets, starless nights and hot deserts will be all that I will see sometimes. But wether I find myself watching a beautiful sunrise or feeling lost in a desert, this truth now beats in my heart. I can always keep on moving. I can keep living. I don't have to lie down or drown.

It's hard to tell if pain is a friend or foe. It can make you suffer, hurt others, hurt yourself, or give up. But on the other hand, pain can make you stronger, wiser, and produce longevity. I guess the pain that comes to us all will be whatever we allow it to be. Friend or Foe. Hmmmm, wait a minute! God just brought to light what a friend has already told me in his own way. How I love revelation.

Hi, my name is Brittany, and I am learning to walk through my pain and swim through my tears.

Friendships or something Like that...

I remember being a little girl going from door to door in my neighborhood asking if there were any kids at home who would like to play with me. I carried a little address book with me just hoping that I would make a friend that day. Sadly, I made none. 


You see, I used to be a rough and tumble type of girl. I did the normal kid stuff like ride a bike, roller blade, climb trees, play baseball, etc... all these things I could enjoy with my sisters. But, there was a part of me that always just wanted to hit, bite, WRESTLE...I loved to play fight. However, growing up with no brothers and only sisters, play fighting wasn't always possible.


My younger sister would hang in there with me for awhile, but somehow she would always end up in tears and I would end up getting yelled at by my mother. BLah... One day, after being yelled at, I decided that was it for me. If I couldn't wrestle and play with my sister, then I would just have to find someone who would. That's when I went from door to door asking for a kid to play with. 


This is one of the first times in my life that I felt out of place and alone. 


Obviously, times were not always like that. During my teen years and early 20's, I had a great group of friends to hang out and share my life with. I thought of them and they thought of me. I included them and they included me. I shared hurts, joys and secrets with them, and they shared theirs with me. I was a part of something great. I had true friendships. Unfortunately, life is always changing and so does friendships. People move away, get married, or just stop communicating altogether. 


At this point in my life, I again find myself feeling out of place and alone. And as much as I hate being alone, I feel that is my only choice at this time. The funny thing is that I don't even feel bad about it. It just the fact of the matter.


Today, I look at my somewhat friendships and I have to ask myself, are we truly friends, or just something like that?


I have to admit that I have been disappointed to the point that I have pulled myself back. I guess I got tired of always being vulnerable only to be met with surface level talk. I sit back, I look around and realize I am not a part.


 As I examine these things, I have to honestly ask myself, "Brittany, are you being a true friend?" Maybe a true friend would not have pulled back and withdrawn no matter how excluded they felt. All relationships demand sacrifice for it to work. Maybe all that they gave me was all they were able to offer me. Maybe it's the way I am perceiving things. Who knows?


I find this fact interesting in a crappy way. All my closest and dearest friends that I have are the people that I wish I could see everyday, go out to eat with, go to a movie with, celebrate life with. These are the people that I love unconditionally. These are the people who do not live close to me at all. Wow! Life is unfair sometimes.


As I rediscover what life really is, I want to also redefine what true friendships look like and also redefine the kind of friend I would like to be.  


As I walk this journey alone I am hopeful of what the future will bring and the truth that I will discover about friendships.

Hello Anger...

Hello Anger! Here you are again...

You are a faithful visitor and I can always expect to see you often. We have a past together, and obviously we have a present because here you are. I think it's safe to say that I will be seeing you in my future as well. 

As long as your around we might as well have a chat. Come and sit with me and lets discuss our relationship. There are some things that I want you to know.

I accept you as a part of life. I will see your face often. I will feel your breath on my neck and your grip on my throat. You are inevitable. You hover, You whisper, You chase, and You creep.

You show up in the time of my pain. You were there when I my love was rejected. You were around every time I failed. You show up at my job, and when I'm driving. You interrupt my conversations, you are in my tears, my words, and keep me awake at night.

I have slept with You. I have kissed You. I have embraced You. I have danced with You. I have allowed You to rest Your head on my chest.

Does all this sound familiar to You? Yes, I thought it would, and I know why You are here now. The thing is Anger, now, I must "redefine the nature of our association."

No, I am not saying that we will never see each other again. Like I told you before, you are inevitable. However, I cannot allow you to have a place in my heart this time around. 

You will come and you will go quickly, because my life is no longer an extended stay for you.

In the past I thought I needed you to get through my pain, disappointments and heartaches. But now I see there is a different way. Anger, you are so demanding of my attention that I never saw who else comes around in the midst of life's weariness.

Anger, meet the triplets... wisdom, opportunity, and new beginning. I never realized that these ladies came around with you in my time of pain, disappointment, and heartaches. In fact, they are always around. We've been talking , and I realize that they have a lot of life fulfilling things to offer, so I will be chillin' with them for awhile. I have a feeling they can take me places I have never been before, and show me things that I have never seen.

 Don't be sad. We will be seeing each other, but when you come around don't bring your toothbrush, extra clothes, or your pillow because you won't be staying long.

So, thanks for listening Anger. You were always good at that.