Life is made up of disappointments, love, faith, failures, successes, friendships, loss, heartbreak, loneliness, laughter, and tears. Life is risk.
I have recently found myself in a place of rediscovering how life really flows. This is not a comfortable place to be at the age of 27. I feel like what I am now trying to get a grasp on, I should have understood in my early 20’s. Unfortunately, this did not happen. When I think back on the environment that I grew up in, I wonder if it had more of a negative effect on my life than a positive one. Has all the rules and regulations that were set in place to protect me actually handicapped me in some way? I feel that the life I have lived thus far has been to all the do’s and don’ts and processes others have set before me. I now have the opportunity to rediscover life; to rediscover the do’s and don’ts and processes for me as an individual, as Brittany.
I guess you can say that the environment that I grew up in was strict and Christian. We had a lot of rules and regulations to live by, but as a child it wasn’t a big deal. It was either do what mommy and daddy says, or get a butt whippin! As I look back on my child hood I can honestly say that me and my sisters had it pretty good. I mean, my family was not perfect at all, but things were good overall. As I entered into my teen years and became highly involved in the church youth group, my youth pastors became my heroes. Home life was thick and tense at this point, and so my youth pastors were like a second set of parents to me. I am grateful for them because I really needed them at that time in my life.
If you attended a youth group like I did, you were probably presented with a lot of challenges to always do what it takes to be more like Jesus. Share the good news with your friends, read your bible and pray every day, go on missions trips, come to church every time there is a service, put your passion on display, jump higher, shout louder, don’t watch rated R movies, don’t listen to secular music, don’t go to parties, go to prom at your own risk, and DON’T YOU DARE THINK ABOUT DATING ANYONE!!! Now, I wouldn’t label these things as bad advice, but where my problem is that they were presented in such a way that made me think that if I did all that was asked of me then life would just work. Life would just flow. I have to honestly ask myself if that’s how it was actually presented or was it just how I received it? Or was a little bit of both?
Fast forward a few years to my time The Master’s Commission. This a 9 month ministry training program that one can attend for 3 years as a student and receive hands on ministry training. Much like my youth group, I had to follow a lot of rules and regulations, do’s and don’ts. However, by this time I was an expert at following the rules. Of course, that’s not to say that I didn’t mess up and get in trouble from time to time. My life in Master’s Commission was hard and fun. I have a lot of good memories and made lifelong friends that I love dearly. However, looking back on my time there I realize I had the same problem as I did from when I was a teen in my youth group. This time however, it wasn’t only people telling what to do and what not to do. It was also the life that was lived in front of me. It looked a little something like this.
You’re a first year student and you get crapped on just because you are a first year student. You work long hours, eat unhealthy, travel a lot, and don’t get enough sleep. Apparently through all this God was suppose to be teaching you something. Now you’re a second year student. YAY! You survived your first year. You didn’t get kicked out the program and you paid all of your tuition. Your one of the good ones! This is the year that you are a leader and have more responsibility. This is also the year that you can date… oops, I mean court someone (as a Christian you are not allowed to date or say the word date…just court) . So you meet that special someone and get everyone’s approval before you actually start courting. By the time you are a third year, you are set in your place and ready to be a full time minister. Sometime in the middle of that year you will get engaged and get married that summer. Now, because you have had 3 yrs of intense ministry training, you can either be accepted to be on the Master’s Commission staff, or be a part of a different ministry somewhere else. Either way you are blessed and set for your life as minister or church worker.
This was how life was supposed to flow! This was the reality that I expected for my life!! I had it all planned out. First, start Master’s Commission, secondly, court and be engaged by 22, thirdly, get married, fourth, finish Master’s and start full time ministry with my husband. Fifth, have my first child by 26. This was not the reality that I experienced!! From the rules and regulations, do’s and don’ts, and how to properly court someone, this did not happen for me. I left Master’s Commission disappointed, confused, heartbroken and depressed. I watched other people live my “reality.” I felt cheated and less than.
From birth to 18 years old, I did what my parents and youth pastors told me to do. Life was suppose to work…
From 18 to 23 years old, I lived the life of a Master’s Commission student, I did what was expected of me. Life was suppose to work…
From 23 to 27 years old, the majority of my time was spent trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong that my life has come to this. I big pile of confusion, disappointment and anger. After some time, I finally got an answer from God. His answer was so clear and so sure. He said, “ you didn’t do anything” Whaaattttt????!!!!
Now, I am not at all saying that I have lived a perfect, sinless life. NOOOO! I think God was just letting me know that my life isn’t as screwed up as I thought it was, and what I honestly thought was reality isn’t my reality. It was just someone else’s. That’s it and that’s all.
Me writing this was not to offend anyone of any church or Master’s Commission program, and it wasn’t to speak badly of them either. This blog, is simply about me rediscovering what life is and how it works?
So now, here I am. What is my reality? How is life supposed to work really? Where do I go from here?
Here my journey begins again… or maybe it’s just continuing, and this time around I am a little wiser, I am little stronger, when I fall down I will get up a little faster, and when I hurt I will heal a little quicker.
Here I go….
